Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. I'm your dungeon master, Rustmore. He, him. Also with me today is Tom Laird.
Yeah, that's me. He, him. And I am playing Flint Firebeard, who also goes by he, him.
And Amy More.
Yes, sir. I'm playing Thea Amastasia. She, her. As well as me. And Nighthunter, who is she, they.
And Karla Maxted.
Yeah, that's me. She, her. Playing Lipsinki Pipdiggins. Also she, her.
And Carl Closset.
Hey, what's up? He, him. Gonna be playing Vorunax. Also he, him.
Lovely to have you all back here. It feels like it's been quite a long time since, I mean, Tom had an interview the last time we played, and then was promoted.
So.
It's been like ages.
So sweet.
It's like.
Tom runs the government now.
Yep.
And he's in charge.
I haven't signed any paperwork yet, but yes, yes, it will be happening shortly.
That would be good.
That would be good, yeah.
That's what you're working towards, right?
That's the one, yep.
Okay, great.
I mean, yeah, you're in charge of certain, you know, press releases, so you can just kinda, well, we won't go there.
We'll move back to BC, I'll do it.
Or that I want to tell.
All right, we'll stop potentially getting Tom fired now.
Where Tom won't get fired because it's behind a paywall is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com, slash Tom Dragoncast.
He can say whatever he wants over there.
And we'd love for you to join us too.
And when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you, which is the exact opposite of being fired.
And today's patron.
Are we hiring this patron?
Hold on.
We're hiring them to be the sponsor for this episode?
Be supporters, and they get that for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got there.
In the episode, absolutely.
That's what I meant.
But today's patron, you're going to like it, is Bubblesplipplop.
Bubblesplipplop.
Oh my God, thank you, Bubbles.
You know Bubblesplipplop.
Oh, like the back of my hand.
Is that the Connecticut Plipplops or the New Hampshire Plipplops?
All slightly related.
Thank you, Bubblesplipplop.
Join us today at Patreon.com, slash Tom Dragoncast.
And now, fuck it, let's play.
There's an intense heat and sound of like a droning buzz.
That you hear from above you as the seven of you are as fast as you can,
descending down these massive mile long links of chain.
Above you is a hell wasp nest.
And coming out of the entrance to this wasp nest are six hell wasps
pursuing you with the utmost anger as you had just appeared
and displaced a large section of their hell wasp nest.
Let's take a brief moment,
have a little quick check in and then roll for initiative.
Do I have all my hit points?
I mean, probably not.
I mean, no, you came back from your adventure
and immediately spun the knob on the on the ring.
So no long rest for you.
Fine.
And traveling to hell, obviously.
Oh, well, Gael has all of her stuff.
Hey, where did we do?
Did we ask him where he was going to send us to hell?
Well, I think we made it.
Then it did the trick, didn't it?
Are there not several different, like, sections?
It's a good call.
If I look out over, you know, the chain, we're crawling down.
Are we on the right layer of hell?
How familiar is Vorunax with Avernus?
I would think that, you know, he has at least heard of it.
He's summered there a few times.
Been to a conference, maybe.
Sure.
OK, you look quickly down these chains and out.
There is often the distance and up in the sky
are are several floating wasp nests.
The ground is cracked and like flames and bubbling lava
are shooting up and out of it.
Down scattering the floor are skeletal remains of creatures.
You can't exactly place creatures from this high up
as to what they are, but yeah, you look around
and it gives a very distinct sense that you are probably
in some section of Avernus, which is a very large plane of hell.
Well, if anything, we're going to be able to find our way
to Thanatos from here.
So things on this layer may not be
as challenging.
I don't want to say that.
Are are those giant wasps?
Oh, yeah, hell wasps.
Yeah, it's fine.
You might be able to wrangle one and we can just fly them down.
Yeah, they're coming at us.
They're they're coming at us.
Oh, can you move faster?
Can you move faster?
Move faster down the chain.
If you really want to try, although they are very stubborn and,
well, hellish.
So right now may not be the best opportunity.
Let's roll for an issue.
Marnox, did we has this happened yet in your in this time
where we go to that hill wasp rodeo and there's those two
remember those two guys and they were joined together
and then they were I don't know if you remember.
Has that happened yet?
I want to say yes, oh, so badly.
But I have not even met you yet.
Right. Oh, damn the nine hells I wish I had.
Well, you know what?
We're going to have to try and check it out in the past future.
Then because you loved it.
Loved it.
Vorunax is just quiet as you just like kind of smiles
and plushes as much as a green dragon board and can.
Got initiative rolls.
Seven for Thea, ten for Night Hunter, ten for Vorunax, ten for Flint.
Oh, tens, tens, tens across the board.
Twenty two.
Oh, fuck.
Are you are we even playing the same game?
I rolled a nat 20.
So I wasted a nat 20 on initiative.
So it's just the first of many. That's that's right.
That's right.
Well, Grant has got a ten too, hey.
Tens all across the board.
Tens for everyone.
So sorry, we are hanging from these chains.
Yeah. Suspended like like a mile up in the air.
A mile up in the air.
Wow. OK.
Which for for us Canadians is a couple of kilometers.
Two point two kilometers.
No, that's that's that's pounds to kilograms.
Yeah. One point two.
Yeah. One point two kilometer.
One point one point six point six.
God, we don't know. Yeah.
Sorry, guys. Hey, this this episode.
Canada is the weirdest place where we use imperial and metric
for different things.
So I don't know how many meters tall I am, but I do know feet in inches.
But I don't know.
But then I know kilometer anyway, Canada, am I right?
Can I try to mass suggestion?
These wasps.
Yeah. Tell me what the.
You know, to tell them to like buzz off.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. That was a hell of a joke.
Don't ever apologize for that.
Oh, behave on a failed save.
It pursues the course of action you describe to the best of its ability.
OK, does it have to take so the language you speak or understand?
It does have to understand me.
They cannot understand me.
I do speak abyssal and under common.
Do they speak either of those languages?
Do you want to make a quick nature check to see if you know?
Sure, I do. That's a ten.
You know that they speak one language.
You don't know if it's abyssal or infernal.
Oh, I mean, it's hell.
It's probably going to be infernal, right?
Yeah, which I don't think so.
I'm not confident in that.
So why don't I are they are all above us currently?
Yeah, coming out of this
this massive nest above your heads proceeding down towards you at blinding speed.
Great. I'm going to cast a wall of light.
OK, and it can be free floating.
So each creature in its area needs to make a con saving throw.
OK, are you casting it like where they are
or are you giving a buffer between you and them?
I guess if they're moving quickly,
what I would want to do is put it kind of more in front of them
so that they hit it, so they fly into it.
And then maybe dispending on their speed,
just spending depending on their speed, stay in it for longer.
OK, half of them got an 11.
Half of them have a 17 for the cons.
OK, well, it is a 17, so it beats.
So they are all going to take.
I don't even have 48 radiant damage.
OK, which is only 16.
So a pretty bad roll, but 16 across six different creatures.
That's it. Yeah, that is actually amazing.
And it's blinded for one minute.
Oh, that's relevant. Yeah.
It can make a con save at the end of its turn
to end the blindness.
If it ends its turn still in that wall,
it's going to take another 48 damage.
Awesome. OK, it is their turn.
They are blinded.
They are like they hit it and they're stunned back.
They can't exactly see, so they don't know which way to go.
They're going to try and just keep going the way they were going
and proceed into it again.
So they take more damage.
Forty eight, you said.
You betcha. For each of them.
I guess every creature in.
Yeah, every creature that ends its turn in the walls area.
OK, so tell me how how it looks when six hell wasps
explode in a fiery wall of light.
Yes, I think just like classic porch bug zapper style
where it met and met and then like and you can hear it.
It's like quite audible.
And there's a bit of a scent in the air of that burning as well.
It's a kind of a sweet
bacony scent that you get off of them as opposed to the surprisingly delicious.
Exactly. Well, congratulations.
You've defeated my hell wasp puzzle.
You can proceed down the chain.
Yeah. The 48 extra damage really, really through that one.
That's OK. That was awesome.
Everybody.
Sorry. No, these are very high level characters.
I lean over to the end.
I go, I'm glad.
I'm glad she's on our team.
Oh, absolutely. She's terrifying.
In the best way.
You all make it down to the ground.
Everybody make a Constitution saving throw, please.
Oh, now it's time to shine.
25, 30 for Nighthunter.
Sorry. Yeah.
She's got a con of 13.
Oh, hold on. No, sorry.
Yeah. Saving through. Yeah. Yeah.
And then I only have a plus 10.
Oh, Thea's got 21.
Libsyncy has an 11.
Well, Libsyncy, you get a plus four
because of my aura.
So 15. And Russ, is this a magical effect?
It's a it's a hell of fact, not necessarily a magical effect.
Yeah. Let's say an environmental, really.
And that puts me at a 14.
OK. Oh, Grancis, too. Right. He's there.
He's there. Grancis got a Grancis got a two.
Oh, no. So Grancis, he's kind of an old guy.
He just had to climb down that whole chain.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Do you want to roll for it?
Do we want to roll for Donny?
How do you want to handle Donny?
Well, he's in my pack right now.
So does this affect him if he's not like, is there like a
like an igloo lunchbox, like cold liner in your bag?
Negative. I will roll for Donny.
OK. Five.
I don't know if he has any bonuses.
So we're going to say to keep Donny alive.
We're going to say that Libsyncy and Grancis are going to take to D 10.
Essentially fire damage to us.
So that's going to be only seven.
But also all three of those those characters are going to.
Oh, no, you were 14 as well, weren't you?
You're also going to take that seven damage for an ox. All right.
And all of you are going to sustain one level of exhaustion.
Oh, yeah. And you feel more winded,
I guess we could say at this point.
Once you reach the ground, you look around and survey your scene.
There's there's high hills all around you.
You look to where you could, you know, hope to find a sun.
And there is none.
Which way do you want to go?
How do you want to proceed? What do you want to do?
All very good questions. Yes, very, very good questions.
Well, I'd like to be more help, but I really haven't entered this way, so.
Kind of going to have to figure it out.
I mean, I sort of figured this is kind of like I'm here
and I'm going to fight, but like, it's kind of your guys' whole thing.
So I thought you'd probably have like
I was sort of planning on taking a more
like not a not a leadership role.
Necessarily in this whole save in the world.
Backseat. Exactly.
Thank you. Thank you. Yes.
I was going to say subservient, but I could not.
I absolutely was not going to say that to them.
No, you should not say that word.
Never. No.
Lip-synchy bouts to no one.
Yeah, we'll definitely be of use once we like get there.
But until we get there, we're all in the same boat, I'm guessing.
Yes. But which is hot as hell.
Mm hmm. My God.
OK, well, let's I don't know.
Can I look around?
Like, does there seem to be like a you are here
map? No, no, there's not.
And as as previously mentioned, there's high hills all around.
You seem to be in like this domed area
and above you are are several hell was changed.
Yeah, changed down to the ground as if they are floating.
Hell wasp nests, which you see up high above you.
More hell wasps coming to and from the various nests around you.
Perhaps we do not aggravate those insects.
I can get on board with that.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That seems like a great strategy.
That being the case, if they're flying up there, if we want to get advantage point,
get a view of what's outside of these mountains that we're inside.
Perhaps we try to move as stealthy as possible and quickly.
Let's just choose a direction and go.
Yeah, I agree. All right.
Give me a forward, backward, left or right.
To the right, right is always right.
Left is always right. Oh, God.
No, left is always left.
Just make everybody give me a stealth role,
kind of trying to find cover as you're going as hell wasp are passing above.
Seventeen, eighteen for nine hundred, thirteen for the five five.
Are you singing as you go?
Complaining about the heat?
My first one was a twenty four.
My second is a twenty two.
I have disadvantage on stealth roles. Oh, me too.
Hence the five for you.
I rolled a nineteen otherwise.
I have a plus six, but then I have disadvantage.
So Grants and Vorunax are walking together, telling stories of
days of old, you know, times down in the abyss
that they can really just reflect on and relate to.
Well, you remember that time
when you stuck those pins pins, Nes,
things in my eyes?
I am. That's that sounds familiar.
That's a tried and true trick of the trade.
So, you know, did I heat them up?
Oh, yeah, they were scalding. Yeah, good.
Sometimes I forget that step.
And then, you know, it doesn't caught her eyes.
Then you're just wearing glasses, just wearing glasses.
Yeah, good point and good point.
But if you heat them up, then it burns your eyeballs.
Sounds awful.
Can you guys keep it down? Oh, yeah.
Sorry. Oh, shit. Sorry.
Everybody's walking a little bit ahead, trying to get away from these two.
Just because they get swooped by wasps, they'll be like, no, with them.
Vorunax, what's your passive perception?
Oh, that would be a 13.
OK, as you're telling stories, you step in like this.
You crunch down into what sounds like something organic.
And you look down at your at your feet
and find that your boot and up your leg is covered
in this black ichor material.
And it looks like you've stepped in some sort of like egg sack.
Hey, watch out.
Oh, it's, um, kind of scoop out a little bit of it.
Be like, I, hey, I stepped.
There's something under the sand.
Oh, God. Run.
We need to run. OK, OK.
I love you running.
Book it. And I just point upwards back at the nests.
Oh, oh, don't. Yeah.
No, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
What'd you do?
Nothing. It's fine.
Varnax roll percentile dice, please.
All right. That's a two.
So only two come down.
That's that's exactly correct.
I mean, to be upset.
That's that's the the it's fine.
You're fine. It's OK.
Everybody tears off running in the direction you're going.
And you're making your way up this mountain.
And you look back briefly.
Anybody in front of these two?
And you see that Varnax is trying to like shake off and like rub off
with this slime that's all over his hand and leg now.
And you make it up to the top of this mountain and you turn around.
And as you're all catching your breath and hiding down behind this
this alcove, everybody looks and Varnax's hair.
Well, he doesn't have hair.
His eyes and and scales have become
roll a d4, please.
You got it.
That's a one sexier
have become this patterned mottled blue, red and yellow.
It's a bit of a different color scheme.
What happened to their face and body?
I did not. I did not know you could do that.
Have you can you always do that?
I mean, the powers of the Dragonborn are unknown to many, including those
I honestly know. I'm sorry.
I'm not even going to try to keep up the charade.
I I have no idea.
I touch this stuff here and I kind of wipe some on Flint.
Cool. That's chaotic of you.
I think he is delighted with us.
So he takes a step backwards.
Flint roll percentile, please.
OK, you totally got it.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, I don't know if this is like nice.
Well, you know how we're nice now, but
it was number one.
You know, I mean, I feel fine otherwise.
And I don't think it's a problem that I know 41 Russ can tell.
Discussing how you probably shouldn't do that.
Flint's trying to rub it off.
And then you look back at Flint and you see that his skin
where he's trying to where it was placed and working its way out
and across is now becoming scabby.
Oh, Flint.
Ew, Vorunax.
I'm sorry. I start wiping it on the ground, like trying to get it off my hands.
Try not to actively like destroy our whole situation here.
I mean, we have to fight orcas, you guys.
So Flint, you're your skin is being covered.
It will be covered entirely in scabs eventually rather quickly.
You gain a plus one to your AC, though.
Oh, all right.
But you lose two to your charisma as long as as long as the scabs
skin is not, I guess, not sexy.
Agree to disagree, but what else?
Feel free to keep track of that until you find a way to get rid of it.
Or maybe you won't, because this high AC, low charisma lifestyle
might work for you. I don't know.
Does it hurt?
I mean, yeah.
Oh, oh, does yours hurt?
No. I feel, again, totally fine.
I think merely cosmetic and may be great
because maybe now it won't be recognized as easily.
This is perfect, actually.
It is not perfect.
You are supposed to be a guy who know orcas who get close to him.
That is something that is beneficial.
Right. That's a very, very good point.
I'm glad somebody remembers these things.
Yes, you did the wrong thing.
Feel shame and disappointment with you.
Like everybody does to you.
OK, I will. I'll work on.
I'll work on the shame part.
And disappointment.
That doesn't come easily these days.
Hey, who's that over there?
Stop yelling.
I'm drawing attention to the man peeing into the hot wind.
You turn and you see
first, there's this two wheeled,
it looks like organic sort of a kind of machine.
And behind it, next to this large rock
is a what appears to be a humanoid male.
What appears to be some sort of humanoid creature
peeing into the hot wind.
He is a slender elf like figure.
He's got long red hair.
He's got this wooden, twisted crown on his head
and the greenery from the shoulders down his arms
and a long blade at his hip.
And he's just whistling and singing to himself
as he pees into this hot, blasting wind
that's coming up and over this mountain towards you.
How does he do that with not holding onto?
His hands are in the air.
How is that?
I don't know.
Every time I try that, it just splashes back.
Okay, you guys now we're just staring at him.
We have to, should we say something?
Is this, do you guys know him?
Russ, can I roll, I don't know, history
to see if I like?
Sure. I don't know.
Yeah, why not?
Famous Jim Bubb constantly,
a well-known for peeing into the hot of Vernus Wind.
I wanna meet the followers of this god.
You're all the one, so.
Yeah, you recognize him.
Guys, I think he's peeing.
I think he's peeing, guys.
The figure turns and looks over his shoulder
and he has this unnerving smile on his face.
The Russell special.
Hi.
Pleasure to see you here.
Excuse me, one moment.
Just needed a little quick break there.
I saw you running away.
I thought I'd wait here
because you were coming this direction.
No, what's happening?
How you doing down here?
I mean, I'm covered in like scabby blisters,
not great.
Yeah, you touched the ichor, did you?
Well, I didn't.
I did.
I put it on him.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't touch the ichor.
Thanks.
What do you know about the ichor specifically?
Oh, well, if you touch it, it turns your skin
and all sorts of weird, weird contusions
can make your bones brittle,
can really just wreck your day.
Uh, there are fixes for it,
but unfortunately I don't have any of those.
It's not part of my trade, that's for sure.
You know what the fixes are?
Yeah, they're potions,
they're all sorts of things that are available.
And what is your trade?
I am one who spends a lot of time down here,
really bringing people together.
So like, like a matchmaker?
Matchmaker, matchmaker, yeah, let's make a match.
Find you some time, catch you, catch you.
No, you don't want to be caught.
You don't want to be caught down here.
And at that you hear like a rumbling sound
down the mountain, the way you're currently walking.
And you see more of these machines
that are similar to the one that's in front of you.
So much larger and some of the similar smaller ones
like tearing across this hellish landscape.
And out over that landscape,
you see a giant twisting river
cutting through the entire scene before you.
Are you playing some sort of tag game?
I'm playing a tag game.
I don't know, you said don't get caught.
Oh, well, no, if you get caught by any of the gangs,
the war bands, anybody who-
The street youths?
Yeah, the street youths.
Watch out for the street youths.
I hear the backwards baseball cap kids
are back at it again.
They are the worst, but they will take your soul.
And then you'll be stuck here forever.
Oh.
Yes.
Okay.
And you do not take souls?
Ah, well, I deal in souls,
but not in the strict sense
that I'm trying to keep people here.
I mean, I was left here some time ago.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, it's a real sad story.
My adventuring group was coming down here
to try and right wrongs, try and see new things,
try and get out of the fae and into hell.
And then when it was like time to leave,
I got stuck and left behind and they left.
So now I'm here.
Did your group have like a cool name?
Well, names are the hardest thing
to come up with for any group.
So we gathered for several years
and tried to come up with a name.
And eventually we tricked some other group
into naming us the really cool friends.
The really cool friends of hell
because we were down here for quite a long time.
So we decided to associate that with our home base.
Yeah, yeah, but they found a way out.
Well, speaking of names, what's your name?
You can call me Smiler.
And what did you do to betray your friends
to have them leave you here?
Betray?
Ah, I didn't betray anybody.
Well, if they were your friends,
they wouldn't have just left you here, surely.
I told you, I was trapped.
I was left, I was fought for dead.
So no hard feelings.
They thought you were dead.
You do not stick around for dead teammates.
You just leave.
I mean, you could at least check a pulse, right?
Well, when you are running for your life and soul,
do you?
Yeah, no, that's fair, that's fair.
I guess being trapped down here
for what seems like an eternity is my fault.
That is not what they say.
Just that perhaps we can bring you out with us.
Oh, you want to take me out with you?
Do you have soul?
Of course I have a soul.
They haven't caught me.
Unless you're wanting revenge against those
who left you behind.
No.
Wait, you sure? Yes?
No. Do you?
Yes?
Which is the right answer?
What kind of, what are you,
you tell me more about yourselves
and then I will tell you if I want revenge or not.
I sell you something, you sell me something.
Okay.
I sell you revenge against the people
who left you here for an eternity of hell.
Right.
And you sell me information on
the best way to get to Thanatos.
Oh, you want to get to Thanatos?
That's a long journey.
You got to take the best way out is the river.
This is the river Styx.
That's the same river that flows all the way up here too.
Yeah, no, it goes all the way from the material plane,
cuts down through the hells
and then eventually finds its way down into the abyss,
the lower levels, you know,
the sub-basement of existence.
But you want to go there.
So that's a really great place.
It's like a, it's a holiday getaway.
There you go.
You understand.
So is there like a boat?
Yeah, of course there's a boat.
You have to pay to get on the boat.
You've got soul coins, yes?
Yeah.
He reaches into his pocket and flips a coin
and it like Glimers this red color
and lands back in his hand.
Yeah, soul coins.
He kind of shows it in front of you.
There's like this image of a screaming face on it.
And as it passes near you,
you hear like this echoing cry that comes from it.
And he tosses it back in his pocket.
Yeah, it's the currency down here.
It's how you get anything done.
That's horrifying.
Well, it is hell.
Yeah, I guess.
When in Rome.
Did you, did you like do research
before you took the tour guide?
Um.
Like even like, what's the temperature in hell?
Like this time of year?
It changes yearly?
No, it's always the same.
I just figured it'd be hot.
Just asking information of how much you did
to prepare for coming to hell.
Like, it seems like you could be stuck here
for a really long time unless someone decided to help you.
Well, we would make it worth that person's while for sure.
Really?
Especially if the person had soul coins
they could help us out with.
And maybe come along with us?
Oh.
And that way we could ensure we get them out.
I take one of the abyss.
And if that person wanted like a world to be around
when they left hell,
that might be a good reason to help us too.
Truth.
Very good.
Let me think.
A world to left to possibly get revenge.
Could have a fun like little tag long journey.
Could be fun.
We have snacks.
We've got snacks.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Well, snacks are better than most of the food
you find here.
The water is hit and miss.
Little sour, a little like sulfuric.
Like burns the nostrils.
Thea holds up a bag of chips.
That's right.
They've got potatoes.
They've figured out chips.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
Hey everyone, it's me, your dungeon master, Russ More,
hanging out with you in the middle of the middle.
That's where we like to hang.
I'm producing this late and getting it to you now.
I mean, it's only late if you're expecting it
at a specific time.
I think it showed up right when you needed it.
Whatever you were doing just before this
and you saw that Dumbgeons and Dragons had a new episode,
I bet you, I hope that it made your day
just a little bit brighter.
I also hope that you were having just a great day too.
We're back in the regular story.
We're making sure you're getting your regular episodes.
We're getting caught up on a lot of Patreon stuff.
Yes, we fell a little bit behind.
Life is busy and we wanna make sure
that we are doing the best for you.
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One chip for a, for a soul coin.
One chip for a soul coin.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you might as well try and kill somebody else
and get their soul coins.
But that's not going to happen.
Not with me.
We don't want to kill you.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's good.
So where can we get soul coins?
Well, you could trade for them
to with somebody other than me.
Cause I don't want to give my soul coins up.
Just in case your plan goes south,
I need to have some currency to be able to get to
and from and, and deal with my own accord and affairs.
There are, you got to travel the river sticks, right?
So they probably don't want to see you going that way.
So there's one problem that you two have.
And he points to Flint and Vorunax is that your,
your appearance appears different.
They can all tell that you touched the Icar.
So, I mean, you, you might want to fix that
before you leave.
What happens if we don't?
Well, your friend here is covered in scabs
for eternity or until he dies.
And you, I guess you really,
you really don't have the worst I've seen.
So if you live long enough,
maybe it will just continue to be this rainbow
speckled thing you got going on here.
That's kind of, that's kind of cool.
Kind of got a peacock vibe.
A little bit.
You know, I bet a few sheddings it'll be cleared up.
Now, are you saying that if we leave here
without resolving these issues,
they're permanent and nothing can be done
once outside the realm of Avernus?
I haven't left to test.
Most people perish here.
You haven't left to test.
So what changed about you?
Well, nothing visible.
Oh my God, that's why he didn't have to hold on to pee.
Are you saying he got a floating penis?
Or what are you, was that what happened?
You got Icar on your penis
and then it started just floating?
Because that's quite specific.
You spend enough time in Avernus,
you try a lot of things.
I'm gonna believe that to check out.
Now, as far as these magnificent contraptions
I see rolling around and here in front of us,
and you said we have to pay somebody on the boat.
I imagine you're talking about the ferrymen.
What if we made our own boat?
You could try.
Yeah, yeah, oh, absolutely.
I've seen many people put together a boat
and head out on the river,
ne'er to be seen again.
Because they made it out?
That's right.
No, the boat sometimes comes back.
But they didn't need it anymore, so they got off?
No, yeah, so you try and travel the river
and you end up here, you end up there.
You probably don't end up anywhere you wanna be.
It twists, it turns, it moves between planes.
You end up in some sort of Yinogu temple.
You're eaten by this giant,
giant, you know?
The gnoll.
The gnoll, yeah, yeah, that one.
That does not sound good.
I do not want to do that one.
So ferrymen's kinda the only way.
You need a tour guide.
They're your best bet.
Okay, okay.
So finding soul coins.
So if you want to fix whatever you have goin' on,
or if you're cool with the colors,
there's the wandering emporium
that I could take you to go see Mahati,
and he might be able to set you up.
But again, soul coins currency,
so maybe you want to find some of those too.
There's some folks who hang out
in the stick's watchtowers.
They often have a few floatin' around
for hittin' the town.
You take them out.
You take their coins.
Then you got currency for the boat.
You got currency for your, what, ales ya?
And then, not only would you take out
everything in the watchtower,
they probably wouldn't shoot at you with anything,
because you don't look like
you need to be traveling the river sticks.
Watchtower first?
Think it sounds like a solid plan.
Yeah.
Do you want to come with us?
You can have all of our extra soul coins
that we don't need.
Oh.
And this bag of chips.
All right.
Literally just gotta drive us there.
Sure, yeah, everybody hop.
Oh, there's only a couple seats.
That's okay, I'll ride really slow.
One of you can each take turns.
Or we can go get a war machine.
That could be really fun.
Are they bigger?
Yes.
You just have to take one out.
Like, take the people off of it.
Remove them.
How many people are in them?
Yeah, it could be one.
Could be seven.
Could be-
How often is it one?
If you're looking for a big one
with some room to play,
it's not likely that there'll just be one.
There could be several.
Several, several, several.
And how far is the guard tower?
Like, do we need a machine to get there?
Can we just kind of plod along till we-
Walk and not, you know,
draw attention to ourselves?
He pulls out a, like, a binocular telescopic device.
A looky-loo?
It's slightly different than a looky-loo.
Looky-loo's a singular.
It's a monocule.
Monocule, monoc, monocle.
I like monocular.
Monocle.
Pulls it out and kind of just moves along the river
and says, right, there's one.
There's one down there.
Shows it to you and points it out.
It's a fair ways down there.
Probably take you a day or so to travel that far,
but if you don't get lost,
you should be able to make it just fine.
But war machines,
you could get there in a couple hours.
And there goes another group right there.
Okay, I'm gonna be honest with y'all
because I'm working on that part, honesty.
I wanna take out a war machine.
I do kind of want a war machine.
I mean, it sounds pretty cool.
I mean, lip-synchy?
Oh, I mean, obviously like death and chaos
is kind of like, I'm pretty into it.
So I'm, I mean, I'm not,
I'm trying to stop with that,
but my instincts are still,
yeah, obviously, let's steal a war machine.
I mean, I wanna double check with the people
I've joined up recently.
I mean, mostly devils untoward people.
There's nothing wrong with a little chaos, right?
When it comes to people here?
Yeah, this wouldn't be frowned upon, right?
These aren't people that we need to like protect
and save and blah, blah, blah, blah.
Just more of a,
I think this might be a moment
when your penchant for chaos and destruction
might actually come in handy.
I mean, as long as it's always working
toward the goal of defeating Orcus and saving the world,
I say go for it.
Oh, so this is such an important clarification.
So I just wanna be clear.
We can kill and destroy and cause mayhem
as long as like your side says it's cool.
Well, as long as it's working toward the goal.
So like, don't like go out of your way
to murder people where it's not gonna benefit the cause,
but don't just go ahead and murder people
and say it's in the name of,
cause that's just, that's fucked up.
Yeah, we don't wanna do that.
Yeah, cause we're not in the name of,
we just don't want our world to be destroyed.
And you know what?
If you've got to kill a few people
and steal the war machine
to make sure that we do that timely,
then let's do it.
Unleash the beast.
Put your penis back in.
Sorry.
How do you have to pee this much?
Uh, here's the thing.
When you drink some of the water,
sometimes it just runs right through you.
I think that's called Giardia.
Oh, there's a name for it.
Yeah, that seems to check out
with how they run things down here.
They wouldn't give you just clean water.
It's probably got just floaties in it.
It's contaminated.
It's like it's been sitting out all day
on a kitchen table and no one will touch it
because it's just the worst.
It's true.
Bedside table water?
No, thank you.
Oh God.
It doesn't have a lid on it.
It's likely contaminated.
All right.
Okay.
Well, here comes another,
how do we know is a good one?
Okay.
So do you want, how many of you are?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
And then if I'm coming,
we'll see about that later,
but there's eight total bed judging
by the size of the bag.
You've got somebody hiding in your bag.
Maybe.
Neither here nor there.
Maybe they shrunk down
because they also stuck the anchor.
I don't know.
I don't know what's in your bag.
But yeah, what I'll do is I'll create a diversion
in front of this.
Oh, so do you want,
if you want to fit eight into one single one,
we can get either a couple smaller ones
that can fit four and four,
or we can get like one of those scavengers.
You look down and it's got the slanted hood to it
with these huge like bone tooth spikes coming out of it
with this giant grabbing claw at the back,
or one of the demon grinders coming around the corner.
And it's got like this huge mauve teeth on the front
that's like moving up and down
and this massive wrecking ball hanging off of the back.
Oh, I want demon grinder.
Correct.
Yeah, the demon grinder is the good one.
They're a lot of fun to ride around.
Are there any war machines
with one of those do for years on them?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
We could wait and see if there's a roaming group
of bards hanging around.
This is unlikely, bards die first.
Of course.
Yeah, yeah.
Any of you bards?
No.
Spit on the ground, no.
Oh, I thought about it once,
but I couldn't play an instrument.
Well, that's too bad for you.
You're probably gonna die first.
Because he can't play an instrument.
I did die first the last time.
And the first time.
I've died again and again and again,
so it's new, it's a old hat for me.
All right, well, I mean, that one looks good.
It's got like teeth and a wrecking ball.
Mm-hmm, those grindy saw blade wheels
really just tear up the earth beneath you.
So what are we talking about?
So let's say, worst case scenario,
there's like eight of...
Yeah.
What's driving that thing?
In the one, there's gonna be,
there's probably gonna be some madcaps,
there's probably gonna be some just your standard demons.
Might be a red cap, like a helm in the wheel
because they've got a little bit more,
they're still wild and just like ready to party,
but they can handle, when it comes time
to tearing up and getting away,
they've still got it in them.
Okay, we are all people on our people legs.
How do we get one of these?
Well, so we're gonna have to go down the mountain.
I will go ahead.
He pulls out his binocules again
and looks down and says, I might know them.
I could just get them to, you know,
separate off from the rest of the crew
and just kind of pull them over
and just give them like, hey, what's happening?
You sneak up behind and jump them.
Okay, now you know these people.
What's to say that you don't tell them
that we're there and then they kill us?
Why would I do that?
We have become the best of friends.
You've seen me pee twice, three times now.
How do you make a soul coin?
Well, the soul is captured into a capsule
and then you take it to the bank
and they put it into the coin,
but likely everybody carries them.
So you dispatch of them, knock them out,
put them to sleep, kill them.
And then you can take their soul coins.
And also their souls to turn into coins?
Well, their souls just, if you kill them,
the souls leave and they're just floating around
and people capture them.
So we could just, okay.
Yeah.
Is there like a bank nearby?
Can we just rob a bank?
I'm just looking at this.
You want to rob a bank in a furnace?
What are you nuts?
Maybe.
I don't know.
I mean, it excites me again.
Sure, sure.
What I'm telling you
is they probably have currency on them.
So you can just loot their pockets.
I know.
I'm just thinking, if you double cross us,
we are eight coins, are we not?
I mean, together, if you include me,
there's only seven of you.
So that'd be seven coins.
I wouldn't turn myself into a coin.
That just seems ridiculous.
Okay, so you would turn us into coins.
Well, if you die, that's a soul gone to waste.
Why wouldn't I?
Guys, I don't know what to do.
Should we just kill this guy and take his machine?
Yeah, you've got a machine and coins.
So really what you've been saying
is we need to kill someone or knock them out,
knock them out, and just rob them.
He's backing up towards his machine.
Does it actually look like we wouldn't be able
to all fit on his machine?
Yeah, it clearly looks like it holds maximum two people.
Gotcha.
You got the sporty coupe.
Yeah, this Devil's Ride, it really only is just for you
and one other special someone.
Riding out to see the fires broiling on the horizon.
There's no sunset or sunrise here.
It's just all hell.
See, I would feel better if you showed some real
interest in getting out and seeking revenge
on your buddies or the chips.
I really thought the chips would be a little more exciting
considering how long have you been down here?
Have you had a salty snack?
I can hop from plane to plane myself.
So, like look.
So you're not all dit.
So you are down here by choice?
No.
I just keep coming back.
Like every time I, he snaps his fingers
and now you're in this lush green rainforest
with birds, the sound of birds chirping overhead
and these large like vines coming down all around you.
And you hear this voice begin to echo around you.
And it says, I just come here to relax and get away.
And it's cooler, isn't it?
It does feel cooler.
There's a slight breeze cutting through.
And the vines around you begin to move
and wrap themselves around you.
There it is.
That's a fucking guy.
Look, I was trying to give you an easy way out.
You take out some people who don't like me very much
and then you get your soul coins
and you can go along the way.
But now you're talking about taking my things
and I don't really want that to happen.
You were not very clear about taking out people
that don't like you.
Then that sounds like you're invested
and I trust you a little bit more.
You buried that lead in a very bad way.
You did, you're not doing yourself any favors.
Yeah, that's on you.
And your smile is very off-putting.
I asked you if you wanted revenge
and you were just like,
against the people who left me here, no,
and didn't mention anyone else.
Hey, I know these guys.
I could get them to come aside for a moment
and you get them from behind.
Like we are more likely to work harder for you
if you give us all information.
Yeah, if you just said, I hate those guys
and I want that machine after you get in the boat
with the ferrymen, we can understand that motivation.
Absolutely.
Cause we've wasted like, what have we been here,
30 minutes, five years?
I do not know.
These orcs are taking over the world now.
There's a loud clap in the jungle around you,
disappears and he's on top of his war machine.
He says, well, I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Sometimes there's good people who come down here
and they're like, I'm a goody goody two shoes.
I don't want to hurt anybody or carry soul coins.
Oh, oh, you see, we are good people,
but we can kill as many people as we want
in order to further our goodness.
To save the world.
I mean, we're trying to save the world here.
So we kind of have to like do some stuff to make it happen.
Gotta break a couple eggs.
I like you.
I like you all.
Come with me.
Race me down the hill.
And he tears off down the hill towards the
war machines down at the bottom.
Oh my God.
I'm not running down this hill, you guys.
It's okay.
You can ride on the back of my steed
that I'm going to summon.
Oh no, it's a casting time of 10 minutes.
We get to the bottom, your steed arrives.
Wait up.
I'm coming.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season two, episode 136,
starring Amy More as Thea and Night Hunter.
Carla Maxted as Lipsinki.
Tom Laird as Flint, with Kyle Claset as Vorunax
and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Dialogue editing by Carla Maxted
and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound
and Artlist and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library and Sound Idea.
And a huge thank you to our supporting producers
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok,
Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden,
Christian Brown, Craig Zeiss,
Aaron Stevens, Daryl,
Perry Matey, L.A. Branton,
Old School Gamer D,
Nathaniel Teeter, Kayla Littlejohn,
Destiny Garcia, Nicholas Cooper and Ryan Carr.
Join us today at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast
and receive hundreds, literal hundreds of hours
of bonus content, hangouts with the cast
and a whole lot more.
You have a great week.
We'll talk to you soon.
As, how many of you are there?
Five?
One, two, three, four, five.
Some people are playing like seven characters for us.
I have no idea.
One, two, three, four, five.
Yep.
No, I-
Only Amy this time, I think, right?
Only Amy, yeah.
Everybody else is singles.
No, Grantzis is there too.
Son of a bitch.
I was like, don't you play so well.
I mean, that's our usual reaction
when Grantzis shows up somewhere.
Oh shit, he's here. Nice to have you on the team, Russ.
When you're penchant for chaos and disjunction,
fuck off, Amy, fuck off, disjunction.
Was one of the Doof warriors?
This is also what I've been picturing.
Yeah, you're talking Mad Max?
Russ doesn't know.
I don't know.
That's a Doof warrior.
He's the guitar guy.
Oh, okay, yeah.
The Mad Max rage.
I literally thought you were setting up
what's a, like, what's an up dog.
Oh yeah, what?
I thought you were setting up like a joker.
Is that an up dog?
What's up dog?
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.